As he was saying the words out loud, really hearing them, it didn’t feel like his own life anymore. Finn’s life had spiraled so far out of control and off course that he hardly recognized it anymore. In no version of things he’d ever imagined did it ever go like this, and yet here he was. His girlfriend would never wake up again. He’d been sitting at her beside wishing, hoping, praying, and it was all left unanswered. Michelle was never going to open her eyes, never going to speak to him again, never going to take a breath on her own. Her life was over, and with it she was taking the future he thought he was going to have. Nothing made sense, and the one person who was holding him together from being lost in the never ending confusion of his life was Rachel Berry.
“You won’t lose me.” Holding onto her hand like it was a life line to his sanity, Finn wanted to believe her. He needed to. All the hope and meaning was gone from his life and nothing made sense. He could see no reason for any of this to happen. Michelle’s accident, the doctor’s news, Rachel having to walk away from her love of Broadway, life was cruel and pointless, and so painful that he could hardly stand it. “Not again.” Finn clung to those words to keep himself from drowning in the despair and chaos that his life had become. It was all so much that he had to lean on someone, and as his eye stayed on Rachel’s he could see her offering to be that person for him, and he was letting her. Despite everything they’d been through and the time spent apart, he trusted her and needed her there more than ever. Laying it all out and holding nothing back, he was more honest than he’d been in weeks. The lie of “I’m fine” had left his lips more times than he could could, but not tonight. He wasn’t going to hide form her.
“I know you would,” he said softly, letting his eyes close for a brief moment to soak in the small comfort he could find in the touch of her hand against his cheek. When he opened them again, he saw hers looking back at him, and how deeply she’d meant every word she’d said to him. “But no one can.” The reality of it was as harsh as the simple words themselves sounded. “I don’t know what to do anymore, or where i’m supposed to go. What happens next? One minute things are going along great, and the next it’s all taken away again. And for what? What good did it do?” He was rambling, and he knew there was no answers for it. He expected her to have none, but he couldn’t bottle it up any longer. Looking down again at their hands clasped together still, he wondered where he’d be without her. Without her to talk to and confide in like he had now, without her to offer him support and understanding, he couldn’t bare to think about it. Thinking about how much more bleak his life would be without her now, led him to wonder what his life would have been if she’d never left. The what if’s in his life would always haunt him, and now he had more to add to the list. “Tell me what I’m supposed to do, Rach. How do I say goodbye? I’ve never known how.” He forced himself to look up and catch her eyes again. “I never got over you leaving, and I still had the chance of seeing you again. I missed you so much that it hurt to talk about it, or to even hear your name. Now everyone is expecting me to know how to deal with this. The look at me like I knew it was coming for weeks, so I should have prepared, but I don’t know how. I don’t know how to do this.”