Finn Hudson

As he was saying the words out loud, really hearing them, it didn’t feel like his own life...

Wed, 03 Aug 2011 15:10:19 -0400

As he was saying the words out loud, really hearing them, it didn’t feel like his own life anymore. Finn’s life had spiraled so far out of control and off course that he hardly recognized it anymore. In no version of things he’d ever imagined did it ever go like this, and yet here he was. His girlfriend would never wake up again. He’d been sitting at her beside wishing, hoping, praying, and it was all left unanswered. Michelle was never going to open her eyes, never going to speak to him again, never going to take a breath on her own. Her life was over, and with it she was taking the future he thought he was going to have. Nothing made sense, and the one person who was holding him together from being lost in the never ending confusion of his life was Rachel Berry.

“You won’t lose me.” Holding onto her hand like it was a life line to his sanity, Finn wanted to believe her. He needed to. All the hope and meaning was gone from his life and nothing made sense. He could see no reason for any of this to happen. Michelle’s accident, the doctor’s news, Rachel having to walk away from her love of Broadway, life was cruel and pointless, and so painful that he could hardly stand it. “Not again.” Finn clung to those words to keep himself from drowning in the despair and chaos that his life had become. It was all so much that he had to lean on someone, and as his eye stayed on Rachel’s he could see her offering to be that person for him, and he was letting her. Despite everything they’d been through and the time spent apart, he trusted her and needed her there more than ever. Laying it all out and holding nothing back, he was more honest than he’d been in weeks. The lie of “I’m fine” had left his lips more times than he could could, but not tonight. He wasn’t going to hide form her.

“I know you would,” he said softly, letting his eyes close for a brief moment to soak in the small comfort he could find in the touch of her hand against his cheek. When he opened them again, he saw hers looking back at him, and how deeply she’d meant every word she’d said to him. “But no one can.” The reality of it was as harsh as the simple words themselves sounded. “I don’t know what to do anymore, or where i’m supposed to go. What happens next? One minute things are going along great, and the next it’s all taken away again. And for what? What good did it do?” He was rambling, and he knew there was no answers for it. He expected her to have none, but he couldn’t bottle it up any longer. Looking down again at their hands clasped together still, he wondered where he’d be without her. Without her to talk to and confide in like he had now, without her to offer him support and understanding, he couldn’t bare to think about it. Thinking about how much more bleak his life would be without her now, led him to wonder what his life would have been if she’d never left. The what if’s in his life would always haunt him, and now he had more to add to the list. “Tell me what I’m supposed to do, Rach. How do I say goodbye? I’ve never known how.” He forced himself to look up and catch her eyes again. “I never got over you leaving, and I still had the chance of seeing you again. I missed you so much that it hurt to talk about it, or to even hear your name. Now everyone is expecting me to know how to deal with this. The look at me like I knew it was coming for weeks, so I should have prepared, but I don’t know how. I don’t know how to do this.”

Finn had been holding it together by a thread all week. The bad news kept piling up until the last...

Tue, 02 Aug 2011 01:25:00 -0400

Finn had been holding it together by a thread all week. The bad news kept piling up until the last bit of hope was finally squashed. Michelle wouldn’t be waking up. It was an idea he never wanted to have to think about, and now it was here. It was unavoidable now and demanding to be dealt with. He didn’t know how to do this. Saying goodbye in such a permanent way. Goodbye to the life they’d planned, to all the dreams they’d shared, goodbye to the person she was and who she would never get to be. And still when faced with all of that, he hadn’t let himself fall apart. He was nothing if not stubborn, but everyone had their breaking point, and that night in Rachel’s hospital bed, Finn had reached his. The tears flowed freely as he held onto her hand in his. He’d never left more vulnerable then he had right then, but he knew he was safe with her. Years had passed between them, and even with so many things left unsaid between them the other day, he trusted her with everything. Hearing her say it was going to be fine, he shook his head wishing that he could believe her. He wanted that. He wanted for her words to be right, but he could feel that it wouldn’t be. Everything in his life would be different from now on, and it was terrifying.

As she continued to talk and try and reassure him, promising that she’d be there, he squeezed her hand tighter, not wanting to let her go. He felt her move to sit up, and her other hand soon joining his. “But you’re in here, Rach,” his voice was scratchy from crying. Finally lifting his head up, he met her eyes wanting to believe her promise to him, but he’d been burned by having that hope. Rachel had a whole other life that she’d made for herself. While he’d built one here in Lima with Michelle, Rachel had New York and Broadway, and then there was the thing that scared him most of all. “You’re here in the hospital, and I…I couldn’t take it if I lost you too.”

Taking one hand off of hers, he reached it up to brush against her cheek as he kept his eyes on hers. He was no longer trying to hide how scared he was and how alone he felt from her. It was out there in the open now, and he couldn’t take it back. All of the worries and doubts he’d been struggling with, the guilt and self pity, the heartbreak and despair, it as all there and no longer hiding behind the lie of being ‘fine.’ Finn had thought a lot about the talk they’d had over coffee and what Rachel had admitted to him. He felt so guilty thinking about it, but it wouldn’t leave his mind. He kept replaying it over and over again, and he could never figure out what to do with it. He still wasn’t sure, but he knew that he felt drawn to her, and when he was around her, he felt like himself again. “I don’t know what to do.” The statement pertained to so much in his life right now. He wanted someone to be able to put all the pieces together somehow for him, but it was an impossible task. “They want me to take her off life support.” Finn swallowed hard as admitting it out loud added a level of realness to it. Letting his hand fall from her cheek, he wiped the back of it across his eyes to clean away the tears. “She’s not coming back.”

Standing in Rachel’s hospital room, Finn knew he didn’t have a right to be here looking...

Mon, 01 Aug 2011 06:30:30 -0400

Standing in Rachel’s hospital room, Finn knew he didn’t have a right to be here looking for comfort, but that’s exactly where he was. She had so much going on, and he was in no position to ask for anything when he could give nothing in return, but when he needed someone the most, she was still the one that he wanted to turn to. He’d spent the day telling people he didn’t want to talk, and he just wanted to be alone. None of it was true, they just weren’t the person that he wanted to open up to. He hadn’t realized it at the time. Each family member or friend that approached him was sent away with the same reassurances. He was fine. He didn’t need to talk. They were both lies.

The only light in the room came from the soft glow of a streetlight outside of her window streaming in through the partially open blinds, but it was enough to see the flutter of her eyes lashes as she began to open her eyes and squeeze his hand back. She could make him feel less alone in all of this with only a sleepy smile and a couple hoarse words. The eyes looking up at him weren’t the same eyes that he’d been waiting on for weeks to open, but right then he was so relieved to see them that he didn’t focus on it. Finn didn’t attempt to open his mouth and try to speak right away as he knew his voice would betray him under the emotional weight of it all. Instead he shook his head and squeezed her hand softly in his. Somewhere in his mind, he knew he shouldn’t be here, but he was so exhausted with trying to do what he thought was right and was needed, that he couldn’t take it anymore. He needed a moment to just be himself, and it had led him to her. “I just wanted to see you,” he admitted when he trusted his voice not to crack even as the tears welled in his eyes again.

Finn sat down in a chair by her bed, it had no doubt been abandoned by one of her fathers earlier, without letting go of her hand for a second. He didn’t want to tower over her, even though he was sure it would have been nothing new with their height difference having always left them mismatched in that department. Grasping her hand in both of his, he leaned his forearms against the side of her bed so she wouldn’t have to reach at all for him to hold on. He couldn’t help but notice the differences in the hand that he’d been holding. Rachel’s was smaller, warmer, and most importantly held his back when he held hers. He didn’t want to think that way. He didn’t want to compare them, or even ask himself why this was where he came. He couldn’t deal with any of that tonight.

There was so much left unsaid between the last time they spoke. All of it was still so complicated and unsolved, but for right now, he wasn’t thinking of any of it. Right now all that he knew was he needed her. “I didn’t want to be alone.” It was an honest admission about not only that moment, but also the rest of his life as the reality of Michelle’s situation sunk in. “I know I shouldn’t be here, but I just…I need you.” Finn leaned his forehead against he hand he was still clinging to, as he lost control of his tears.

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Sun, 31 Jul 2011 06:43:16 -0400

Hearing Rachel start and stop again, never fully committing to one thought for long enough to finish...

Sun, 31 Jul 2011 06:42:31 -0400

Hearing Rachel start and stop again, never fully committing to one thought for long enough to finish it, Finn wanted to tell her it was okay. He wanted to reach out to her as he saw her sliding her chair back and stop her. He wanted to lay out everything he was feeling like an open book and let her know it all no matter how bad the final picture it painted was. Finn wanted to trust her like he used to. He wanted her to be able to look at him and see exactly who he was buried beneath everything, and he wanted to be able to do the same to her. What he wanted, and what he did were two different things. The person he was fell short of the person he wanted to be as he watched her get up from her seat as he stayed frozen in his. It was the second time she’d walked away from him, but this time he couldn’t make himself watch. Just like the time before, he was sure he didn’t have enough to offer her to ask her to stay. That right wasn’t his anymore. Finn sat in his chair at the back table of the cafeteria staring at Rachel’s abandoned coffee cup for close to an hour. It wasn’t until one of the workers came to tell him they needed to clean for the dinner crowd that he finally made himself get up.

Feeling guilty for how much he wanted to reach out to Rachel, Finn stayed by Michelle’s bedside non-stop, not that it mattered much to his girlfriend. There was no change in her condition, and for the first time since the accident, a doctor sat him down and started talking about the options available. Apparently wait and see was no longer one of them. He’d known this time was coming, he’d sensed it was, and yet it managed to still feel like he was blindsided by it. Looking away from the doctor and over and Michelle, he kept his eyes focused on her like she would give him some sort of sign to prove that they were all wrong. “She could still wake up,” he kept his voice low, just above a whisper like she would be able to hear him and his lack of confidence if he didn’t. ‘Mr. Hudson, The chances of that are extremely unlikely, as I’ve said …’ His voice continued on, but Finn wasn’t listening to it. He’d heard the facts and figured before, and didn’t need to hear them again. ‘Have a nurse page me if you have anything further you wish to discuss.’ Finn didn’t bother to look over to know the way the doctor was looking at him as he made his exit. The day he’d been afraid to even mention as a possibility was here now whether he liked it or not.

Long after visiting hours were over, Finn still sat by Michelle’s bed trying to figure out where he was supposed to go from here. He sat alone in the hospital room, the lights dim and the only sounds coming from the machines that she was hooked up to. All evening long he’d been turning people away when they’d reached out to him. He’d told them he just wanted to be alone, but that was the last thing he wanted. He was terrified of being alone, and as he looked into the future, now that was all he could see. Pushing himself up from his chair, he walked out of her room, wiping the tears from his eyes. Hospitals in the middle of the night were even creepier than they were during the day, but somehow it was fitting. He hadn’t known where he was even going until he’d gotten there.

Standing outside of Rachel’s room, he hesitated as he reached for the door knob. They hadn’t spoken since that afternoon in the cafeteria. The daily coffee trips to the cafeteria to try and see her had stopped, and yet here he was. He needed someone to talk to, someone who could actually talk back. Fair or not, he needed her. Pushing open the heavy door, he was well aware that this was the first time he’d seen her in her hospital bed. She looked small and so still…too still. He was overwhelmed by the quiet of the room and how it matched the one he’d just left. “Rachel…” he said softly to wake her without startling her too much as he reached out for her hand. He needed to feel someone who could squeeze his hand back, and remind him that even for a moment, he wasn’t alone.

Looking up from the cup of coffee that he was using as a distraction more than an actual beverage,...

Wed, 27 Jul 2011 15:48:12 -0400

Looking up from the cup of coffee that he was using as a distraction more than an actual beverage, Finn watched the changing emotions on Rachel’s face as she seemed to fully process his words. She never landed on one looking for long as a number of things flashed in those rich, dark eyes of hers. Searching for any hint as to what was going on in her mind, he couldn’t figure it out. They’d been apart for years, so he shouldn’t have been hard on himself for not knowing her as well as he once did, but he knew that wasn’t what was keeping him in the dark here. With everything that was going on around them and the situation they now found themselves in, he wasn’t the only one feeling a million things all at once. Finn had a girlfriend laying comatose in a hospital room, and he didn’t know if she was ever going to wake up again. His emotions had been running on fumes for days, but he still didn’t excuse himself for it. Finn was tired of not being able to do anything. The sitting and waiting wasn’t helping him in any way. While he could do nothing to change her condition, he had a shot at attempting to deal with everything he’d told himself was long over with Rachel.

Maybe he’d always been fooling himself into thinking he completely understood, just like he’d fooled himself that he’d been preparing for her to leave since junior year. It wasn’t supposed to have been a surprise when he was forced to say his goodbyes to Rachel and watch her walk away. He’d known of her plans, and she’d never been sneaky about it. They’d both known what was coming, but somewhere along the way he’d convinced himself that it wouldn’t go that way. Without knowing he was thinking about it, his mind had decided she would see what they had was important and stick around. It wasn’t fair to her to ask her to choose her dreams over him, and yet somewhere along the way without actually asking it out loud, it was exactly what he’d wanted. Finn had known it was coming, and managed to be completely surprised by it all at the same time. It was the same feeling he was experiencing again as Rachel was sitting in front of him again. He had thought all these emotions were dealt with and long since filed away, and yet here he was being confronted with them all over again.

Listening as she began to speak, Finn kept his eyes on hers even as she looked anywhere but at him. He could hear the confusion and frustration in every raspy word that she spoke to him. “You can’t make me feel bad for that.” The words rattled in his head and his immediate response was to get defensive. How could she think that? I would never. That’s not what I’m trying to do. But after thinking about it for a second, maybe that was exactly what he wanted. He needed someone to blame for all of this. His life was a disaster at the moment, and he needed a reason why this had all happened. He needed something he could hold onto as why this was all happening. If Rachel hadn’t walked away those years ago, if the stars had aligned and her dreams had fallen in place with his, if she’d never left, none of this would be happening right now. The thought sickened him as soon as it crossed his mind. That feeling only got worse as he listened to her continue on. He couldn’t pin this all on her, no matter how desperate he was for someone to fill that role.

It couldn’t be Rachel. He listened intently as she poured her thoughts into words, their eyes finally meeting again as it continued until she reached those three little words. They’d said them countless times to one another years ago, but their weight never got any lighter. “I love you. I think a part of me always will.” There was many days when he imagined those words being said to him again, but it was never like this. “Rach…” He knew he needed to break the silence, but somewhere between his mind and his lips, all words were getting lost. What could he say to that? That he loved her too, and that he always would? It was certainly an option, and a true one at that, but she was right. He’d moved on. He’d forced himself to stop waiting around and living in a dream world where she’d return to him to pick their life up again. It was never supposed to have happened, and yet here they were. Here they were sitting across from one another, and just like all those years ago when he’d said goodbye to her, a part of him was desperate to reach out to her and ask her to stay in his life forever. Also just like that day, he couldn’t. The reasons were different, but the results were the same.

“I can’t,” he finally as his eyes fell back to the table in front of him again. The guilt over all the emotions that were so easily pulled to the surface again was overwhelming. Michelle was laying in a hospital bed surrounding by beeping machines. He couldn’t abandon her now, not any part of it. The fact that his emotions were betraying his sense of loyalty made him feel like an absolute terrible person. He’d loved the life he’d created with Michelle and the future they were supposed to have. It was the simple like that he was supposed to have always wanted for himself, but as he sat across from Rachel, he was no longer sure about anything. He’d been looking for answers, but they’d only brought about more questions. “I have…I should go. I can’t do this. I can’t talk about this now, not with everything the way that it is. I can’t.”

Sitting in the hospital cafeteria, the bright florescent lights were in complete contrast to the...

Wed, 29 Jun 2011 06:02:00 -0400

Sitting in the hospital cafeteria, the bright florescent lights were in complete contrast to the somber mood at the table. With everything that happened to bring them both inside the stark white walls, there was no avoiding the emotional subjects. One painful memory would wordlessly flow into the next. Finn was carrying around so much that memories he’d thought he’d dealt with and put away years ago were floating to the surface. He couldn’t keep them all locked away no matter how much he tried to. There was just too many of them that the vault he’d had them locked away inside himself was bursting at the seems. As he sat with Rachel, their hands intertwined Finn knew something had to give. She was right, he couldn’t do it all alone. It was too much for him to handle, so he found himself sharing things with her when he had no intention to. Their past, and the hurt he felt when she’d walked away, was supposed to have been ancient history. He was supposed to have been over it completely, and no longer holding onto the confusion and pain from it. Years had passed, and they’d both created lives for themselves, and yet here they were. The universe’s cruel idea of a joke, or a twisted sense of fate, had them sitting across from one another and back in each other’s lives. Needing to free up space, to lighten his metaphorical load, he found himself talking before he could stop himself, and explaining how he understood her choice.

Leaving Lima and the small town lifestyle behind was something Finn could never do, but now he felt like he could finally see why Rachel would. Leaving all of this behind suddenly made perfect sense, and in his own way it was almost like he was forgiving her for that choice. Even being years too late to make any difference, it was all he could offer now. If the endless hours left alone with nothing but his thoughts and the beeping machines by Michelle’s bed had taught him anything, it was that life had a way of changing, and second chances weren’t guaranteed. He had to get it off of his chest.

As the words left his lips, he forced his eyes from their hands up to meet hers as he heard her disagree. It was the last thing he was expecting in that moment. In his mind she’d left and never looked back. She’d escaped and moved on to bigger and better things. Hearing anything different was reserved for the moments before he fell asleep after having too much to drink, even his sober subconscious had trouble trying to imagine it any other way on most occasions. “Leaving Lima was a mistake.” Finn’s eyes searched hers and for a split second he considered the possibility that he was actually asleep and about to be woken up by falling out of his chair, but the expression on her face was too real, as was the touch of her hand in his. “You don’t mean that.” While the look in her eyes was nothing but sincere, his mind couldn’t accept it. It was too far out of the reality he’d crafted for himself.

“You don’t. Why would you say that?” Finn’s eyes stayed locked on her face, searching for any twitch or facial tick so that he could write the whole thing off as a lie. Finn shook his head as he replayed it in his mind, concentrating on each word she’d said like he was defining it for the very first time. “You left, Rachel. You left and you never looked back. You went and got everything you ever wanted. Just because you were forced to come back doesn’t mean you can say….You can’t just say things like that. You didn’t choose to come back here. You wouldn’t have. You wouldn’t be here if you didn’t have to be.”

Reminding himself that she was forced back, and the reasons for it, his mood softened again. What little control Finn had on his emotions was loosening further as he couldn’t seem to land on one for long. Swinging from being thankful to have her back in his life, to anger for her leaving in the first place, Finn’s grip on her hand never wavered as the emotions competed with each other in an imaginary battle for control. “You come back here, and you say all these things. You’re here for me when I need someone the most, saying all this stuff that I wouldn’t even admit to wanting to hear. Why?” Why? He’d asked that question countless times recently, and each time he was desperate to get answers. This time he could. This time he had her here in front of him, and he was determined to understand it. “You were free. Even being forced back to Lima, you didn’t have to stop that day when you saw me. You could have walked by.”

As Finn sat at the table in the mostly empty hospital cafeteria with Rachel, he found himself...

Sat, 18 Jun 2011 22:25:00 -0400

As Finn sat at the table in the mostly empty hospital cafeteria with Rachel, he found himself opening up in ways he had trouble doing with anyone else. Closing himself off and existing somewhere between a living zombie and a puppet was how he’d spend the past few days. He was polite when the nurses would speak to him or when people would stop by Michelle’s room to ask. He always put on a brave face and promised them that he hadn’t lost hope. It was becoming increasingly difficult, and less honest with each passing day. But with Rachel he couldn’t be that way. There was something about the look she’d give him that had him spilling it all before he could help himself. The concern in her eyes for him despite everything she was going through, was a giant reminder of the kind of warm person she’d always had been. Time apart hadn’t changed that.

Feeling her hand as it enveloped his, Finn took comfort in the warmth of her touch. It was nothing like holding onto Michelle’s hand like he so often did as he sat by her beside. Her hand was eerily still and unresponsive, a reminder as to how wrong things were even as it looked like her eyes could open any second. Rachel’s was comforting and strong like she was convincing him she could taking any problems he had to talk about. With one touch of her hand, she conveyed that this wasn’t something he had to do alone, and in that moment, he let her. Turning his hand, he held her hand back, using it as a lifeline to the hope he felt slipping away.

Listening to Rachel’s words, the experience that they came from shown through. He could tell they weren’t empty or meaningless, but rather the same lessons she was trying to teach herself after endless days in the hospital. “It’s out of your hands now.” The truth to that statement was the hardest part to take. The waiting to see if she’d wake up, if her condition would improve, if the latest round of tests would bring with it more answers, it was all frustrating. “It’s so hard. All the waiting. It feels like my life is stuck on pause while everything keeps going all around me, and then I feel like a jerk for even thinking that way. Michelle is the one laying in there, and I can‘t even keep it together for her. But then it‘s like…she‘s laying there sleeping, and left me here to deal with all of this, and it pisses me off. What kind of guy get‘s pissed off at his girlfriend for being in a coma.”

As Finn’s eyes fell to their hands that were together, he tried to get a grip on his emotions that were so scattered, he never knew where they’d land once he started expressing them. “And you’re here, be so great to me when I don’t deserve any of it. I know how much you love the stage and wanted Broadway, but now you’re here and being so great to me. I can see why you wanted to leave now. I couldn’t then, but I just wanted you to know that I get it now.”

“How are you?” It should have been an easy enough question to answer. Most of the time people throw...

Fri, 17 Jun 2011 02:49:16 -0400

“How are you?” It should have been an easy enough question to answer. Most of the time people throw out a quick, “I’m fine, and you,” and they’re off again before the answer was even given. It had become almost another way of saying ‘hello,’ but as he looked up from his coffee and in to Rachel’s eye, he could tell she really meant it. She was genuinely curious despite everything that she had going on in her own life at the moment, and how much distance had been put between them over the years; the concern was genuine. Knowing that somehow made it a harder question to answer. He could lie and say he was ‘doing good, considering’ or maybe tossing out one of those general sayings like ‘I’m hanging in there,’ would be a better way to go. Then again there was always the truth…that is if he could even figure out what that was.

“Some moments are better than others,” he finally settled on. Generic, but not a lie. Despite everything, he felt like he owed Rachel that much. “None of it all that good, but I’m trying.” Picking up his cup of coffee, he took a slow slip as he heard her ask about Michelle. He expected it to come, and after she’d seen him break down the other day, she’d already seen him at his most vulnerable. As he sat the cup back down on the table, holding it in both his hands like he needed the warmth, he couldn’t take his eyes off the dark liquid. Another look in Rachel’s deep and caring eyes would crumble the resolve he was working so hard to keep in place. “No change.” Finn cleared his throat to get better control over his voice that threatened to crack. “They don’t even tell me that there’s good signs anymore. Some of the nurses can’t even look me in the eye when they’re in her room.”

Finally looking up from his coffee, he chanced a look over at the brunette sitting with him again. “I don’t think…I’m really scared that she’s not going to get better.” Admitting it out loud was hard, but keeping that fear to himself and carrying it around was becoming impossible. It was too much and even though it made him feel week, he had to share it with someone. “Are you ever scared….being in here.” Finn glanced around at the glaring white walls of the hospital cafeteria and back to Rachel again. “Do you ever wonder what’ll happen if…” He let his voice trail off as no matter how much he wondered it in his mind, saying the worst case scenario, actually putting it in words, wasn’t something he could do yet.

Learning the hospital staff by name, both morning and night shift, wasn’t something Finn had wanted...

Thu, 16 Jun 2011 23:31:26 -0400

Learning the hospital staff by name, both morning and night shift, wasn’t something Finn had wanted to do. He’d wanted Michelle to back home in her own bed, recovering and putting all this behind her like it was nothing. He wanted to return to his life and everything that had been put on hold. What he wanted and what he got were two very different things. Michelle was closing in on a week of being in a coma. Five days, thirteen hours, and twenty seven minutes to be exact. Almost a week since his life and been turned upside down. As he sat at the side of Michelle’s bed, he squeezed her hand in his hoping that this time she’d squeeze it back. He needed anything to know she was still in there and she was still fighting. The looks of pity had gotten worse, and the talk about having hope and not giving up were becoming less frequent. Instead now he was told that Michelle was special, and things happen every day. It sounded more like he needed a miracle and less like he needed to give it time.

Looking up at the clock on the wall and watching as the seconds ticked their way around the circle, Finn carefully set Michelle’s hand back down on the bed as he stood up from his chair. He’d gotten a little better about taking a few moments to himself a day. He knew he had to after he was positive he’d seen Michelle’s finger twitch one day. He’d called the doctor’s to rush in thinking it was only a matter of moments now, only to be told there was no change and pestered about how little he’d slept. Not being able to take another disappointment like that, Finn tried to sleep a couple hours a night, and reply on more coffee to get him through the rest.

Walking down the long hall way towards the cafeteria, he avoided eye contact with most of the nurses he passed. He wasn’t up for the forced pleasantries. It was exhausting enough to try and hold it together, he wasn’t capable of much else these days. Outside of his talk with Rachel a few days ago, Finn hadn’t shared much about how he was feeling. Since that day, he hadn’t shed another tear as he’d kept them locked away somehow in a vault sealed with denial and a shred of hope. Rachel had been the one that was able to break through his act just by being there. Despite the years that had passed and the heartbreak that she’d left him with when she’d gone, a part of him knew he could still rely on her. As he passed a couple rooms their doors slightly ajar, he caught himself wondering if it was hers, or if she was still here.

Hands buried in his pockets, Finn walked into the cafeteria to grab himself a fresh cup of coffee and to enjoy a change of scenery. A new set of white walls was hardly a beautiful sunset or a breathtaking landscape, but it was all he had. As he turned around, cup of coffee in hand, he spotted Rachel sitting at a small table by herself. He’d have been lying if he said he wasn’t happy to see the friendly face, but even feeling that way for a second brought on guilt to follow it. He didn’t’ want to feel happy, not when Michelle was laying in her bed completely cut off from everything. Even so, he found himself walking towards her anyway. He needed something familiar among the chaos. “Couldn’t stay away from the coffee either?” The corner of his lip turned up slightly as he pulled out a chair at her table and sat down at the table beside her. He could see now the signs that she wasn’t feeling herself. He assumed they were there the other day and he was too exhausted and wrapped up in himself to see it, but despite it all, she was still…Rachel.

Finn listened as Rachel spoke, and for a brief moment he wasn’t focused on the unraveling disaster...

Tue, 14 Jun 2011 14:50:00 -0400

Finn listened as Rachel spoke, and for a brief moment he wasn’t focused on the unraveling disaster that his own life was becoming. For a second he was able to stop outside himself and try to imagine what that much have been like for her. Rachel had given up everything for Broadway after graduation. She’d left Lima behind…she’d left him behind. Now here she was being pulled back into the life she’d escaped, and for a reason that was out of her control. Her words “Everything happens for a reason,” took on a new layer to him as he repeated them to himself again. He wasn’t the only one struggling with why things had taken such a cruel twist of fate. Rachel had no doubt heard the same phrase said to herself dozens of times over the past month.

For almost a month, Rachel had dealt with the same hospital walls. It had been two days pacing up and down these halls, and already Finn felt like he was going to go insane. Everything was so clean and in order. People rushed about with a purpose and clear goal, all while Finn’s world had come screeching to a halt, his future hanging in the balance.

Seeing the smile tugging at the corner of her lips, the tension lifted slightly and brought a half smile to his face more than her joke did. He appreciated the attempt more than he could tell her in that moment. Forty-eight hours and he had hardly opened up to anyone. Rachel sits down beside him and everything comes pouring out of him, as if he’d been waiting for her to talk to all along.

Opening his mouth to search for the right words, a way to express his gratitude to her, a reassurance that she was going to be alright, words to express that despite the horrible situation that brought them together, he was glad to see her again, annoyance at her having been in Lima for close to a month without having heard a word, none of it came to him as he sat there looking at her hand that he was pulling silent comfort from just by holding again. “Miss Hall is back in her room if you’d like to sit with her.” The nurse and her quiet non intrusive voice stopped him from having to try. Instead he nodded his head, looking back over to Rachel sitting beside him.

“I should…” Finn motioned his thumb over his shoulder in the direction of Michelle’s room, something telling him that he wasn’t the only one who needed to return to the suffocating walls of a hospital room. “Thank you.” The words were said as he squeezed her hand slightly in his, not want to let it go until the last possible second that he had to. “And you’re going to beat this. No one can keep you down.” He wished he had more time to convince her of that, and more time to catch up with her. He wished it was completely different reasons that had brought her back into his life, but wishing got him nowhere. Feeling like he’d been gone too long already, his mind going back and forth between it being pointless to sit at Michelle’s beside, to it being the most important thing in the world and even missing a second could be disaster, Finn tried to steady himself and tuck away that fear and doubt.

“I’m so sorry, Finn.” Those four words sounded so simple, but he’d spent countless hours...

Mon, 13 Jun 2011 21:32:14 -0400

“I’m so sorry, Finn.” Those four words sounded so simple, but he’d spent countless hours imagining her rushing back to Lima to say exactly that. Late at night when he’d let his mind wander before sleep fully took hold, he imagined countless ways that Rachel would come back into his life and realize that they’d had something special and worth fighting for as much as her career was. As the years passed, the situations became harder to imagine until one day without even realizing it, they’d become completely impossible.

Finn had come to terms with the choices they’d made then, and now here he was. Those same words, but in a completely different context than he had ever imagined for himself. He knew she was being sincere, and had meant every word of it. Despite the longing and broken heart that followed Rachel’s departure to New York those years ago, he’d never wanted bad things for her. Finn had never wanted failure to be her reason for returning home, and sitting beside her now, he could tell that she’d take his pain away now if it was humanly possible to.

Feeling her soft touch against his shoulder, he took a deep breath, trying to relax even the slightest bit and accept the comfort that she was offering him. “Because everything happens for a reason.” Finn could think of no reason why he was sitting here and Michelle was laying in there. He could think of nothing other than how cruel and unforgiving life could be. Happiness was so quickly dashed away without a moments notice. It was here one minute and gone the next.

Seeing Rachel look away from him as she put together the words to tell him, he tried to steady himself for whatever it could be. His mind didn’t have it in him to guess, and luckily he didn’t have to wait long as she revealed what really had her walking the halls of the hospital this day. A lung transplant? Even as Rachel did her best to sounds like it wasn’t a big deal and just every day news, he knew it was far from it. The pieces started to fall into place. What she was doing here, why she was back, what was so important to take her off the Broadway stage that she craved so much. “Wow…Rach…”

Reaching over, he took her hand in his needing some soft of contact to try and anchor him down in that moment. “I…I had no idea.” Here he was falling apart when she too was dealing with her whole life being turned upside down, and then some. What happened without the transplant? What happened with one? How long had she known? A whole new set of question bombarded his brain demanding answers that he still didn’t have. “How long have you been here? What are you…I mean…” Finn stopped as no matter how hard he tried, he didn’t know what he meant, and what he had the right to ask her anymore.

“Who?” Hearing Rachel ask, he wondered to himself why that was the hardest part. Was it because it...

Mon, 13 Jun 2011 05:16:28 -0400

“Who?” Hearing Rachel ask, he wondered to himself why that was the hardest part. Was it because it made it more real admitting who it was somehow? Repeating medical terms and sharing details of an accident, he could try and put even the slightest bit of distance between himself and what happened. A part of him could cling to the false hope that it was just a store to tell, and his life, his real life, was going to be just fine. Or maybe it was out of some sort of misguided guilt that he’d skipped that part. This was Rachel he was talking to. The same Rachel who had left a huge hole in his heart when she’d left for New York, one that would never fully close. Or maybe it was just from exhaustion that he assumed everyone knew what he was talking about without filling them in, but saying it wouldn’t change any of it.

“My girlfriend,” he admitted after taking a deep breath and exhaling, forcing his emotions back down and away from the surface as much as he could at the moment. “She was supposed to come by after work. She’s going to open a restaurant. She’s been fine tuning the menu for months.” He spoke like it was all still possible, and would all happen as soon as she opened her eyes. “But it started getting late, and she wasn’t there, and then I got the call that she was here…” His voice trailed off as his mind filled with flashes of what he’d dealt with since he arrived. Every minute since then was blurred together into one giant painful memory that he couldn’t seem to escape from.

Hearing her coughing and struggling her with words, he knew something was going on. They were in a hospital after all, but it was more than that. He knew Rachel wouldn’t give up her Broadway dreams, and come back to Lima for just any reason. She had made up her mind a long time ago to leave, and there was nothing that could change it then, so he had to wonder what could have done so now. “How can you know that? Any little thing, and this all could have changed.”

Finn’s eyes searched Rachel’s like he could find the answers there. She sounded so confidant and so sure of herself. She always did, but this was different. It was almost as if she spoke from experience, like she knew exactly what it was like to replay even the smallest choices again and again while wondering why just one thing didn’t go differently. “Rach…what are you doing here? What’s going on?”

Finn shook his head to answer before he trusted his voice not to betray him again. In his mind if he...

Mon, 13 Jun 2011 02:14:20 -0400

Finn shook his head to answer before he trusted his voice not to betray him again. In his mind if he could appear to be more together on the outside, the inside would follow along. It was all he had at the moment. Everything was out of his hands, but this small thing was something he could try and stay in control of. Complete stubbornness was the only thing standing between him and a complete melt down.

“No, my mom’s fine. She’s at home.” His mother had been at his side much of the past two days reminding him to eat, urging him to take care of himself, trying to guilt him into getting some sleep of his own. Logically he knew she was right and doing everything for him, but he felt like he didn’t need the attention right now. He wasn’t the one laying in a hospital bed with tubes and machines all around. He’d sent her away, and for the time being, she’d listened.

Feeling the familiar warmth of Rachel’s hand against his cheek, her touch threatened to break his control on his emotions again. Rachel always had that way about her. She was warm and comforting, and in some ways it felt like only a day had passed and not the years that really had since they’d seen each other last. Looking down at the floor and the beat up leather on his shoes, Finn avoided looking into her eyes. It would be too easy to crack and fall apart, and let her comfort him like he needed, but there was still something in him that wouldn’t let him. It was the same something that wouldn’t let him book a ticket to New York despite wanting to countless times. Pride, stubbornness, maybe both, but it was all he had right now.

“It won’t be. Nothing’s going to be okay anymore.” Chancing it, he looked over at her as she sat next to him. “She’s lying in there like she’s asleep and going to wake up any minute, but I see the looks the doctors have. They think I don’t know, but I see it.” He started in the middle like she knew what he was talking about. Everyone else he‘d talked to had known all the details without him saying anything, and it was harder than he thought. Saying it to someone made the hopelessness feel even more real. When asked if he wanted to talk, Finn kept sending people away, but he couldn‘t anymore. He couldn‘t keep trying to do it alone. “It’s been two days and she’s not….they told me twenty-four hours…and then forty-eight. Now what are they going to tell me? I used to tease her about her driving…like her being bad at it was some kind of joke.”

Swallowing hard, he felt the tears building back in his eyes again as he looked back down absentmindedly picking at his fingernail as some sort of distraction. “But now all of this. I should have done something. Driven her home, offered to pick her up, taken her for dinner, anything. If I could have changed one thing she might not be laying in there right now.”

Unexpected Reunion || Rachel

Sun, 12 Jun 2011 23:59:53 -0400

The exhaustion, the stress, the worry, it was all too much for him to handle in that moment. Without realizing it, Finn had pinned all of his hopes on getting good news today. He was desperate to hear it, but as the doctor walked away to tend to other patients, that wasn’t what he was left with at all. The light at the end of the tunnel was beginning to dim and he was terrified. Head buried in his hands and tears flowing freely with no signs of stopping, it was as if the rest of the world faded away. The busy rustle of hospital employees running around, the worried conversations of waiting families, the monotone voice of the news coming from the TV in the waiting room, it all faded into one dull buzz and eventually disappeared all together. For the first time since he’d gotten here, Finn couldn’t hold it together anymore.

Feeling a soft hand against his shoulder, Finn assumed it was a nurse taking pity on him. He’d seen their looks for two days now, and he couldn’t stand to see another right now, their eyes were always filled with sympathy and a splash of pity thrown in on the side. Looking back now, it was as if they knew the cards were stacked against Michelle, but could never tell him in so many words. Everyone was quick to remind him to stay positive and never stop believing. They offer their thoughts and many their prayers, but none could give him reasons as to why this happened or how to make it stop.

The voice that followed wasn’t any of the nurses that he’d met. It was softer, breathier, not as strong as he remembered it, but something inside him told him right away who it was even before she confirmed it for him. I must be losing my mind. I’ve finally lost it. This has all got to be some kind of dream, that I’m going to be waking up from any moment. Wiping his hands over his eyes as he tried to regain some of his composure, he could feel the cold, wet tears against his fingers, a painful reminder that it was reality. That didn’t explain Rachel, and how she could be here.

Looking up at her finally, he saw her standing there beside him in the flesh. Suddenly very aware of the tears in his eyes and the ones that had streamed down his cheeks again, and he tried to wipe them away again as the confusion shown through. “Rachel?” Even seeing her didn’t explain how she was here at the time when he needed someone the most. “What are you…?” He looked around to make retake in his surroundings, and like expected they hadn’t changed. There was still the inoffensive cream colored walls and the fluorescent lights that populated all hospital waiting rooms, not only was he still in the hospital, but he was still in Lima, Ohio miles and miles from New York city and the Broadway stage that Rachel had left home for. Over five hundred miles, five hundred and thirty two to be exact, and yet here she was. “What are you doing here” his voice cracked as he tried to swallow back more tears, and force himself together with what strength he could find.

What Happens Now || Rachel

Sun, 12 Jun 2011 21:06:20 -0400

Sitting on the edge of his chair in the hospital waiting room with his foot tapping out a nervous rhythm that the best drummer couldn’t keep up with for long, Finn’s head shot up each time a nurse walked past as he desperately waited for news. It was closing in on forty-eight hours straight since he’d walked into the hospital after getting the call, and two hours since his girlfriend was taken back for the latest round of tests. Each test had it’s abbreviation, and as many as they were listing off when trying to explain to him, it sounded like she was getting the whole alphabet. All these tests and no one could tell him the most basic of answers.

When was she going to wake up? When could they put this behind them, and get back to their lives before this had happened?

Forty eight hours and he’d hardly slept for any of it, Michelle on the other hand hadn’t woken up since. He knew every hour that passed the harder her recovery would be. The idea that she might never wake up, wasn’t one that he could hear at the moment. That reality wasn’t one he could accept. He wasn’t ready for his life to change like this. Finn felt like things were just getting on track for them. He’d graduated and gotten a job as an assistant coach at his old high school, and Michelle was set to open up her restaurant next month. Their future was writing itself, and no where along the way had he prepared for this. Everything with Michelle had come along easy. They’d wanted the same things, laughed at the same jokes, rooted for the same teams, their dreams matched. It was supposed to be simple, with nothing able to come in between them. Car accidents happened every day. He helped repair the broken fenders and replaced busted windshields, but it wasn’t supposed to happen in his life.

Finally when a doctor walked his way, Michelle’s chart in his hand, Finn shot up from his seat like it had been spring loaded. “How’d it go? Is she awake? What’d it say?” The doctor waited patiently having clearly been in this situation before, and had long since learned the best way to handle distraught loved ones. Staring intently as the explanation started, Finn tried to piece together the words he understood. Swelling, limited response, possible bleeding and hemorrhaging, each word sounded more serious than the last. Again he was told how he needed to wait, and Michelle was a fighter. It was the same speech he’d gotten a dozen times since he’d gotten here, and it no longer offered any comfort.

He needed more answers than to just wait. He was tired of waiting. Waiting wasn’t helping. As the doctor left, Finn ran his hands over his head as he couldn’t take anymore.. His patience was running thin, and his nerves were shot. Something had to change soon. Torn between kicking something to try and relieve his frustrations and breaking down in tears, he slumped back down his chair, face buried in his hands as his body gave him no choice and went with option number two.

http://broken-spirits.tumblr.com/
You should check them out, they're looking for a Finn.

Sun, 05 Jun 2011 02:14:00 -0400

How did you find me? Why does your story sound so familiar? Why am I asking questions like you’ll come back to answer them? Why am I even posting this? Just why?